"Judge not, that ye be not judged."
We've all heard it, in various forms. "Don't judge me, bro" seems to be the watchcry of the day. Political candidates furiously trade jabs of "You did X!" and "Well, you can't judge me for X because you did Y!"
It seems that every second of every day involves a judgment of some kind. Yet we have been counseled not to judge.
So... what are we supposed to do?
First of all, let's take a step back, take a breath, and calm down. Then, let's consult good old Webster. Definition 1: an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought. Or Definition 2:the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought : the act of judging something or someone.
Well, the second one was more like two definitions.
Looking at the second half of the second definition... sound familiar? We judge people all the time, day in, and day out. And it rarely involves the first definition. Which requires careful thought.
That, my friends, is the problem here. That is what creates the Christian Conundrum on judgment.
We are not asked to avoid judgment in any case, at any time. We are asked not to judge others. Other people, who are just as imperfect as we are, and whom we may know very little, or absolutely nothing about. Turn the tables. Imagine someone judging you, when they have never met you before. How would you feel?
Let's look at a simple example. You are driving along on a two lane road, in a hurry as usual, and praying that you don't end up stuck behind a slow car.
Then, because Murphy reigns supreme over the road system of our great nation... you end up behind a slow car. Some guy in a 40 year old klunker, going about ten below the limit, belching blue smoke... and heaven help you, he is on his cell phone.
If you are anything like me, your instant snap-judgment response is: Jerk.
Yes, it's true. As humans, we tend to judge/categorize one another. And slow drivers are right up near the top of my list of humans that seriously need to overhaul their personalities. And their manners. And their cars, etc, ad infinutum.
And right now, on your side of the screen, you may be reading my words and thinking "Wow, she's a jerk!"
And... you're probably right! A little.
I said it before. Just because I write about these things doesn't mean I am a subject matter expert! Usually when I write about something, it's a reminder to myself that it's something I need to work on. Yet another mental sticky note along with the hundreds of others floating around my poor brain.
We could all use a few lessons on not judging others. Some are definitely better than others. Their snap judgment about the cell phone addict in the half-dead Cadillac may be "oh, poor guy, I wonder if he's breaking down and calling for help."
If that is your knee-jerk reaction... can I watch you be translated?
Seriously, that takes a lot of patience, and an amazing sense of charity. We could all use a strong dose of that. Even if all we can manage is to narrowly avoid a snarky thought, and instead just roll along behind the slow driver with barely controlled impatience, it's a start. Who knows? Maybe he really is breaking down. Maybe he is getting a call with tragic news from home.
Should he pull over, then? Yes, absolutely. But we don't need to judge him on it.
Why is judgment so dangerous and so potentially damaging to our souls? Well, for one thing, it doesn't tend to help the situation. Getting mad at the slow driver usually doesn't do anything but raise your blood pressure and your risk of rear-ending the other car, which would put a serious crimp on your day. And have every other driver on the road thinking nasty thoughts about you, the idiot that caused a two-mile long backup.
But more than that, it really isn't our place to judge others. Because, as I said before, we don't know much about them. Even if we do know them well, can you really say that you understand the innermost thoughts and intents of their heart?
No, probably not.
There is only one person that can do that. Well, two. Our Heavenly Father, and His Son. They understand us better than we understand ourselves. They see all, from the beginning to the end, and They know whether someone is truly a jerk, ignorant, or just oblivious. They know our pain, our weakness, our trials. Only They can judge.
Just as an earthly judge makes a decision only when the evidence has been presented, our Father is infinitely patient in letting us prove our true character. In letting us learn, and grow, and maybe hit the gas a little harder.
Since we are supposed to be learning to be like Him... shouldn't we try to be a bit more patient as well?
Now, granted, there are some situations that will require a snap judgment. Yes, I said it. Sometimes you will have to judge someone else. Those situations involve your personal safety, and that of your family.
Case in point: you are walking home from a late meeting. You thought you would be done sooner, and so you hadn't bothered to drive. Now it's dark, the street light is burned out again, and you are in a part of the neighborhood that gives you the shivers. You walk a little faster, imagining some Stephen King wannabe hovering in a nearby bush with a waiting pen and paper.
You stop dead, heart hammering. From an alley just up ahead, a man steps out. He has 'the look'. You are instantly terrified, wishing you hadn't left your Smith and Wesson at home. Though after the day you've had, facing a self-defense hearing isn't high on your list of great ways to spend the evening.
If you were of a mind to be charitable, you might be a bit concerned for him. Maybe he was mugged, maybe he's hurt, maybe he's mental and lost.
Or maybe he is a mugger, and you are in a whole lot of trouble.
At this point, facing a guy that looks like one of your bookie's boys when your debt is six months overdue, you have two options. Rely on your faith in humanity, or pull a Smuggler's Reverse (basically a quick-snapped yo-yo U-turn) and get the heck out of there as fast as you can.
If he really is a good guy, he'll likely appreciate the irony of the situation and blow it off. If he's a bad guy, I wouldn't be too terribly concerned about his feelings at the moment.
In this situation, it was not only a good idea, but absolutely necessary to make a judgment call. Most normal people do not hover around dark alleys at night. For your safety, it was best to assume the worst, and get out of that situation. Does that make you a bad Christian? No. This is a sick, imperfect world, and there are definitely people out there with bad intentions. We can judge situations. We can even judge strange behavior, to a point, with regards to how we should react.
Then, there are other situations when it seems like we should make a judgment... but it is best not to. In fact, it is the most merciful thing you could do.
You are at the grocery store, considering your options amongst jars of pickles and olives, when you heard a sound behind you. It sounds roughly like the agonized wail of a banshee being roasted on a hot lance over boiling lava with piranhas nibbling happily at its flesh.
After quickly clapping hands over your poor assaulted ears, you turn around.
It's a kid. Eight, maybe nine years old. Old enough to know better than to throw a tantrum, yet that's exactly what they are doing. Jars go flying, smashing on the ground, security comes at a dead run, and you are seriously considering taking your business to the grocery store across town. Maybe in the next county, actually. The kid's mother is desperately trying to get hold of him, but she has a three and five year old hanging on her arms, equally terrified at their brother's outburst, and they refuse to let go.
You first thought?
Well, much as I hate to admit it, my first thought would probably be "what a brat".
Not so much these days, however. Because my family has been blessed with some very special spirits with very serious challenges. And in getting to know them, I have learned a lot about kids, and how the smallest things can send them into a raging fit. Things that we may not even understand, but it is huge to them. They do not understand social cues, they really don't care about what they may destroy, and they certainly don't seem to have enough empathy to understand that their fits can cause serious bodily injury to those around them.
They just... don't... get it.
We, as beings capable of higher reasoning and thought, need to understand this. You cannot judge them by the same rules as the rest of humanity. In fact, best not to try to judge them at all.
You can try to be helpful, you can speak a few kinds words to the mother, but please do not add to her burden. Often, our opinion of people shows clearly on our faces. And you never know when you could make or break a person with just your expression.
In Mosiah 7:15 (thanks Missy!) it says:
For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil, and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.
Judgment is given to use to tell right from wrong, and that may involve coming to a conclusion that governs our reaction to a situation, or someone's behavior. But we are not supposed to judge others.
Judge not, that ye be not judged. Put yourself in their shoes.
What would you want them to do?
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
Rule 5: Responsibility: It's Personal
This post could very quickly get political. I will try to avoid that. If I fail... my apologies in advance.
First of all, a question. Who is responsible for the outcome of your life?
If you said "Mom", I want you to go to your room and stay there until you are ready to be a reasonable adult. Honestly...
If you said "Myself" or "I am"... kudos. You are excused from class for the rest of the day. Stick around if you feel so inclined.
If you said ANYONE other than yourself, then sit down. We need to talk.
It is understood by social science that there are a few basics that every human needs for survival. Food, shelter, clothing, and positive human contact. Sounds pretty simple, right?
When you were a baby, your parents provided all of this for you. There was no real way for you to communicate these needs, other than to scream your head off. However, being experienced adults, they understand that babies need these things. And so life was pretty simple.
Then you emerged from the world of blob... I mean baby-hood and entered the world of biped-hood. And your parents started to teach you other things. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed yourself, dress yourself, wash your face, etc. As you got older and started to gain a little bit more intelligence, and started understanding human speech, your parents were able to teach you more advanced skills. Like holding a crayon, cleaning up your toys, don't pull the cat's tail if you don't want to get scratched, and "no, honey, worms are not food".
By the time you were five, you likely knew the basics for survival. You could feed yourself, dress yourself, express yourself, and had a general idea of what was safe, and what was not. Like knives, busy streets, and the cat's claws.
But then your parents started to teach you more advanced skills. Like reading, writing, 'rith-ma-tik, drawing basic shapes, loading the dishwasher, and everyone's favorite: gardening. "If you stick that hard round thing in the dirt, pour water on it every day, and don't let bugs eat it, it will grow into a plant. And that plant will have FOOD growing on it!"
Your eyes, no doubt, got round as plates. "You mean... they don't make food at the grocery store?"
Facepalm. "No, honey. Food comes from the ground."
Then came the trauma of learning about hamburgers. "You mean... that brown thing in my hamburger came from a cow's WHAT?"
But you got over it. Eventually. If your parents were especially attentive, they might have even taught you that clothing sometimes comes from plants. "Yeah, right, mom." Well, at least the hard-to-iron, super comfy stuff anyway. And even better, they probably taught you that even though dirt and chocolate are the same color, they aren't the same thing. "Spit that out right now!"
"But you said food comes from dirt!"
Headdesk.
You went to school, and more adults taught you stuff. Like how to get along with other kids, at least without killing each other. How to do art, how the body works, how politics work (or don't), how your car works, how to use power tools..., ad infinitum.
Then, suddenly, one day... you became an adult.
And so here you are, a grown up, responsible human being.
Oh, no, I used the R word again, didn't I?
Because, you see, all this education you have been given was given for a reason. For YOU to learn to take care of YOURSELF.
There is a (very loud) argument that as human beings, we are owed a basic living. Housing, food, clothing, an iPhone, etc. That... isn't strictly true. Yes, all humans need these things for survival. As a basic human right, all people should have these things. It's how we get them that matters.
"Well, the government should provide it for us!"
Yes, here things turn political. But, sadly, this seems to be the watch-cry of the day. "The government should take care of us!"
So it's time for a little lesson in civics.
First, where does the government's money come from?
"Um...they make it?"
Uh, no. At least, not usually. That's not how government works.
They get that money from....wait for it....OTHER PEOPLE.
That's right. The money that the government gets, that they use for such things as paying cops, firefighters, teachers, building roads, schools, and enforcing those annoying local building codes, all comes from US! The TAXPAYER! People go to work, they are promised a certain amount of money for every unit of work they produce (whether by the hour, by the project, whatever), then the government takes a percentage of that money.
Now, this shouldn't be a problem. As I noted earlier, there are a lot of good, necessary things that the government pays for, like public safety, roads, schools, and those nifty reflective markers at the side of the road that keep you from crashing in a blizzard.
But then the government starts thinking it should be taking care of more aspects of our lives. And we, the lazy beings humans generally are, decide to let them.
So taxes get raised. And you have people PAYING the government to take care of them WITH THEIR OWN MONEY!
Doesn't that sound absurd?
Even worse... people are paying the government to take care of other people. People who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. They just... don't.
I know, I can hear you screaming at your computer that there are exceptions. I am related to several severely challenged exceptions to these rules. But I am not talking about them, and you know it. I am talking to YOU. The perfectly capable adult you are.
You, and no one else, are responsible for your welfare. Don't have food? Go out and get a job, earn money, and buy it. Can't afford food after paying rent? Find a cheaper place to live. Or, shudder, get a roommate to share expenses. Still not enough money? Maybe you live somewhere too expensive. Sayonara, Silicon Valley! I'm going to live somewhere I don't have to pay double digits for a stinkin' hamburger!
I want to go to college, but it's so expensive! The government should pay for it!
Um, you mean the taxpayers, right? Everyone else? We just had this lesson, after all. Why should they have to pay for your school? Did YOU pay for THEIR degree?
Didn't think so.
Now that I've got your hackles up, put the shoe on the other foot. Let's say you worked all summer to raise money for a big trip to Europe, maybe with a school class or something. You worked hard, came home exhausted every day, but by the end of summer, you had a hefty savings account.
You show up for the trip... and the one in charge, your adviser or whatever, tells you to pay a hundred dollars more for your trip. You ask why.
"Because Jack didn't work this summer and doesn't have money for the trip, so everyone is helping him to pay for his trip."
Jack stands there, smiling, maybe a little smug. He didn't have to lift a finger, and yet he gets the reward.
Doesn't that just burn you up?
If it were me, I would refuse. Frankly, that is paramount to extortion, and there is no way I would go along with it. If Jack had some kind of decent reason for not being able to afford the trip, like taking care of a sick parent or something... then there is something to be said for charity.
But not irresponsibility.
That is the heart, the core, of so many of our problems today. We all want someone else to take care of us, to pay for our school, to build nice schools for our kids, to pay our public servants more, etc. And yet when the time comes for US to pay the price for these policies, we scream bloody murder. "Someone else should pay for it!" we demand.
And yet we are all "someone else" to everyone else.
"The rich should have to pay more!" you insist.
Um...why?
For the record, I am not rich. I have no interest in disclosing my income, because it is none of your darn business. I'll just say I am a typical, average American. No maid, no butler, no nanny, just raising my family and doing the best I can.
And I am not insisting that the rich somehow owe me.
I am responsible for my life. The rich, most often, got that way by providing a service or a product that everyone wanted. And everyone agreed to pay the price they asked. If the price wasn't fair, then they shouldn't pay it! I hear people screaming about the millions of dollars that celebrities, sports figures, and actors make. So... tell me why it is that you are willingly shelling out ten bucks a person for that movie ticket? Or triple-digits to see a single sports event? They are rich because YOU have willingly paid them for the privilege of viewing their particular talent.
Part of responsibility is wisdom. A big part. Wisdom to know what is worthwhile, and what is not. Don't have money for food? Then stop buying cigarettes. Don't have money for rent? Then why did you buy that expensive new car?
Stop blaming everyone else. Stop insisting that everyone owes you, that the Universe, or the government, or whatever, should pay for your existence. That isn't how life works. You are responsible for yourself. And until our society gets that through our thick skulls, until we put our collective feet down and tell our leaders "enough is enough" and refuse to go along with this shakedown, we will continue to be stuck in this nasty cycle of selfishness, laziness, and want.
Yes. It turned political. But... doesn't mean it's wrong, does it?
First of all, a question. Who is responsible for the outcome of your life?
If you said "Mom", I want you to go to your room and stay there until you are ready to be a reasonable adult. Honestly...
If you said "Myself" or "I am"... kudos. You are excused from class for the rest of the day. Stick around if you feel so inclined.
If you said ANYONE other than yourself, then sit down. We need to talk.
It is understood by social science that there are a few basics that every human needs for survival. Food, shelter, clothing, and positive human contact. Sounds pretty simple, right?
When you were a baby, your parents provided all of this for you. There was no real way for you to communicate these needs, other than to scream your head off. However, being experienced adults, they understand that babies need these things. And so life was pretty simple.
Then you emerged from the world of blob... I mean baby-hood and entered the world of biped-hood. And your parents started to teach you other things. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed yourself, dress yourself, wash your face, etc. As you got older and started to gain a little bit more intelligence, and started understanding human speech, your parents were able to teach you more advanced skills. Like holding a crayon, cleaning up your toys, don't pull the cat's tail if you don't want to get scratched, and "no, honey, worms are not food".
By the time you were five, you likely knew the basics for survival. You could feed yourself, dress yourself, express yourself, and had a general idea of what was safe, and what was not. Like knives, busy streets, and the cat's claws.
But then your parents started to teach you more advanced skills. Like reading, writing, 'rith-ma-tik, drawing basic shapes, loading the dishwasher, and everyone's favorite: gardening. "If you stick that hard round thing in the dirt, pour water on it every day, and don't let bugs eat it, it will grow into a plant. And that plant will have FOOD growing on it!"
Your eyes, no doubt, got round as plates. "You mean... they don't make food at the grocery store?"
Facepalm. "No, honey. Food comes from the ground."
Then came the trauma of learning about hamburgers. "You mean... that brown thing in my hamburger came from a cow's WHAT?"
But you got over it. Eventually. If your parents were especially attentive, they might have even taught you that clothing sometimes comes from plants. "Yeah, right, mom." Well, at least the hard-to-iron, super comfy stuff anyway. And even better, they probably taught you that even though dirt and chocolate are the same color, they aren't the same thing. "Spit that out right now!"
"But you said food comes from dirt!"
Headdesk.
You went to school, and more adults taught you stuff. Like how to get along with other kids, at least without killing each other. How to do art, how the body works, how politics work (or don't), how your car works, how to use power tools..., ad infinitum.
Then, suddenly, one day... you became an adult.
And so here you are, a grown up, responsible human being.
Oh, no, I used the R word again, didn't I?
Because, you see, all this education you have been given was given for a reason. For YOU to learn to take care of YOURSELF.
There is a (very loud) argument that as human beings, we are owed a basic living. Housing, food, clothing, an iPhone, etc. That... isn't strictly true. Yes, all humans need these things for survival. As a basic human right, all people should have these things. It's how we get them that matters.
"Well, the government should provide it for us!"
Yes, here things turn political. But, sadly, this seems to be the watch-cry of the day. "The government should take care of us!"
So it's time for a little lesson in civics.
First, where does the government's money come from?
"Um...they make it?"
Uh, no. At least, not usually. That's not how government works.
They get that money from....wait for it....OTHER PEOPLE.
That's right. The money that the government gets, that they use for such things as paying cops, firefighters, teachers, building roads, schools, and enforcing those annoying local building codes, all comes from US! The TAXPAYER! People go to work, they are promised a certain amount of money for every unit of work they produce (whether by the hour, by the project, whatever), then the government takes a percentage of that money.
Now, this shouldn't be a problem. As I noted earlier, there are a lot of good, necessary things that the government pays for, like public safety, roads, schools, and those nifty reflective markers at the side of the road that keep you from crashing in a blizzard.
But then the government starts thinking it should be taking care of more aspects of our lives. And we, the lazy beings humans generally are, decide to let them.
So taxes get raised. And you have people PAYING the government to take care of them WITH THEIR OWN MONEY!
Doesn't that sound absurd?
Even worse... people are paying the government to take care of other people. People who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. They just... don't.
I know, I can hear you screaming at your computer that there are exceptions. I am related to several severely challenged exceptions to these rules. But I am not talking about them, and you know it. I am talking to YOU. The perfectly capable adult you are.
You, and no one else, are responsible for your welfare. Don't have food? Go out and get a job, earn money, and buy it. Can't afford food after paying rent? Find a cheaper place to live. Or, shudder, get a roommate to share expenses. Still not enough money? Maybe you live somewhere too expensive. Sayonara, Silicon Valley! I'm going to live somewhere I don't have to pay double digits for a stinkin' hamburger!
I want to go to college, but it's so expensive! The government should pay for it!
Um, you mean the taxpayers, right? Everyone else? We just had this lesson, after all. Why should they have to pay for your school? Did YOU pay for THEIR degree?
Didn't think so.
Now that I've got your hackles up, put the shoe on the other foot. Let's say you worked all summer to raise money for a big trip to Europe, maybe with a school class or something. You worked hard, came home exhausted every day, but by the end of summer, you had a hefty savings account.
You show up for the trip... and the one in charge, your adviser or whatever, tells you to pay a hundred dollars more for your trip. You ask why.
"Because Jack didn't work this summer and doesn't have money for the trip, so everyone is helping him to pay for his trip."
Jack stands there, smiling, maybe a little smug. He didn't have to lift a finger, and yet he gets the reward.
Doesn't that just burn you up?
If it were me, I would refuse. Frankly, that is paramount to extortion, and there is no way I would go along with it. If Jack had some kind of decent reason for not being able to afford the trip, like taking care of a sick parent or something... then there is something to be said for charity.
But not irresponsibility.
That is the heart, the core, of so many of our problems today. We all want someone else to take care of us, to pay for our school, to build nice schools for our kids, to pay our public servants more, etc. And yet when the time comes for US to pay the price for these policies, we scream bloody murder. "Someone else should pay for it!" we demand.
And yet we are all "someone else" to everyone else.
"The rich should have to pay more!" you insist.
Um...why?
For the record, I am not rich. I have no interest in disclosing my income, because it is none of your darn business. I'll just say I am a typical, average American. No maid, no butler, no nanny, just raising my family and doing the best I can.
And I am not insisting that the rich somehow owe me.
I am responsible for my life. The rich, most often, got that way by providing a service or a product that everyone wanted. And everyone agreed to pay the price they asked. If the price wasn't fair, then they shouldn't pay it! I hear people screaming about the millions of dollars that celebrities, sports figures, and actors make. So... tell me why it is that you are willingly shelling out ten bucks a person for that movie ticket? Or triple-digits to see a single sports event? They are rich because YOU have willingly paid them for the privilege of viewing their particular talent.
Part of responsibility is wisdom. A big part. Wisdom to know what is worthwhile, and what is not. Don't have money for food? Then stop buying cigarettes. Don't have money for rent? Then why did you buy that expensive new car?
Stop blaming everyone else. Stop insisting that everyone owes you, that the Universe, or the government, or whatever, should pay for your existence. That isn't how life works. You are responsible for yourself. And until our society gets that through our thick skulls, until we put our collective feet down and tell our leaders "enough is enough" and refuse to go along with this shakedown, we will continue to be stuck in this nasty cycle of selfishness, laziness, and want.
Yes. It turned political. But... doesn't mean it's wrong, does it?
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Rule 4: Positivity is Powerful
It has taken me a couple of weeks to do this post. Because this is not the original post I started to write. My original subject was on having a sense of humor. I tried, and I tried, but I just couldn't get it to come out right.
Then it hit me. I was coming at it from the wrong direction.
Humor is great. Everyone loves a good belly laugh, sometimes getting to the point that you're sitting there, flapping helplessly, like a drunk, demented seal.
But let's face it, humor isn't the solution to everything, believe it or not.
Majorie Pay Hinckley, who happens to be one of my personal heroes, once said something to the effect of "You can either laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache." That is such an inspiration to me, and so true! Another wise person, whose name escapes me at the moment, said that life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it. Also very true. We can often turn a bad day around simply by our reaction.
I know some of you out there are probably already rolling your eyes, wanting to reach through your computer screens and shake me, reminding me that it isn't that simple. What about depression, or anxiety, or any other of a host of mental illnesses?
Believe me, I know. Depression is a specter over my days as well. But that is the beauty of positivity. It isn't something you feel, so much as something you do. Something you think. A way of approaching life that is beyond your mental state. And, in fact, there have been preliminary scientific studies that suggest that over time, you can rewire your brain to be more positive simply by trying to think more positively! Imagine what a relief that could be to millions who suffer every day from hopelessness and despair.
Again, I know, it isn't always that easy. Some illness is so severe it cannot be conquered by any amount of positive thinking. But isn't it worth a try?
The general idea that I am trying to convey, in my own strange way, is that life is what we make of it. If you are having a bad day, month, year, whatever, you may be able to improve things simply by changing your outlook.
Take laundry, for instance. Not the favorite chore for most people, because it is so blasted boring! I don't mind it, actually.
Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor already. I'm not terribly good at keeping up with it, but once I get started, I enjoy the quiet time, because I use that time to let my brain wander. I'll spend time picking through whatever the current knotty problems are in my life, thinking about my interactions with the kids, other people, things that need to be done...
Yes, a little too easy to obsess when you let your brain be so totally free. But would you care to guess what I was doing when I finally broke through and found my idea for this blog post? Yeah, laundry.
You can apply that to other simple problems or annoyances in life. Who loves to do dishes?
I didn't think so.
But... that can also be time used for thinking. Maybe you can consider the latest dinner recipe, and ways to improve it. Maybe go over your mental grocery list. Or even a physical one, if you are that organized. Turn it into family time. Hand your kid a dish towel and talk about school while doing the dishes. And no, being made to do chores is NOT going to scar your kid for life.
In fact, that is another side to positivity. Take the last day you had that you were so utterly exhausted, so discouraged, you felt like you just could not scrape your sorry hide out of bed to do anything. Well, if your problems are physical, there may not be much to do about that other than a couple of ibuprofen and a hot bath. But if you are having a bad day mentally, take every little scrap of willpower you can find, every last gasp of impetus, and do something. Anything. Even if it's just cleaning old receipts off of your desk.
Now, take a look at what you did.
Doesn't that feel good? You accomplished something!
Ride the wave. Take that feeling, and go do something else, like pull weeds out of the front sidewalk. Getting outside can be a great boost to positivity. I love being outside more than in. I love being out under the big blue sky, watching the clouds, watching hummingbirds hovering around my front flowerbed. I love watching the kids running around while I not-so-secretly envy their energy levels and wish I could somehow bottle it and sell it for a million dollars.
Being positive isn't just for ourselves, either. It can have a great effect on other people. Your children, for instance:
Let's say you have just told your kids to clean up the living room. There's books, crayons, cups, bowls, toys, papers... ay yi yi, it looks like a tornado went nine rounds with a hurricane. But they are old enough to learn to clean, so it's their job to clean up their mess. You tell them to clean, then head into the kitchen to start dinner.
You come back five minutes later. One of them made a desultory effort to stack books, while the other two alternate between playing, teasing, and outright fighting, making the mess even worse.
So what are you options here?
If your knee-jerk reaction is anything like mine, it's to yell "what are you doing, I told you to clean this mess up, if you don't clean it up right now I'm going to get the garbage can out and clean it my way and you know what that means!"
And just how effective is that?
If your kids are like mine, they probably instantly break out into a chorus of "but she..." or "but he....." or "I didn't..." or "this is boring" or "not fair!"
Headdesk.
Of course, there is another option. Break down and do it yourself. Which, of course, just teaches the kids that if they whine enough, mommy will do everything for them. That attitude has direct correlation to the generation of entitled teens we have today.
That, however, is a different subject. At the moment, you have to find a way to teach your kids responsibility while actually accomplishing something.
So what is the positive way to solve this problem?
We've had some very creative solutions in the past. But most of them boil down to one basic concept. You don't do the cleaning for them. You don't leave it all to them. You work together.
How could this scenario go? Maybe something like this-- you step into the room with an encouraging smile, even though the last thing you feel like doing is smiling, and you sit down on a chair. "I see you are having some trouble getting started," you tell them. "Let's work on this together and see how fast we can get it done."
"Kid 1, you keep working on the books, since you are doing such a good job with them." Believe it or not, when I put things in those terms, my kids not only put away the loose books, they take the time to organize the whole bookshelf! Anything that gets praise from mommy, which they love.
"Kid 2, you are big enough to carry a stack of dishes, how about you stack those dishes in rainbow order and take them to the sink?"
Infuse a little fun into the job, making a rainbow, and they will get it done.
"Kid 3, let me see you take a shot into the toy bin with those stuffed animals. Go for a 3 pointer!"
It definitely takes longer than if you had just done it yourself. But eventually, the job is done. You have a sense of satisfaction that your living room has been restored to livability, your kids have a sense of accomplishment, and you can now run over the ant-attracting crumbs with the vacuum before every ant in the neighborhood discovers the smorgasbord on your floor.
Soon enough, with time and practice, your kids will find a routine of their own. And, maybe, if a miracle happens, they'll learn to clean up the mess themselves without being asked.
Positivity can work miracles. For yourself, and others.
Let's try another one. This time with adults. We all know that kids are highly irrational and illogical beings. But adults... that one should be easy, right?
Sally is just emerging from a meeting that would be more accurately described as a public flogging. Her current project is in shambles, having rapidly fallen apart over the last couple weeks. The other members of her team aren't holding up their end, the Big Boss is furious and just spent half an hour practically screaming at her that she had better get it together before he decides to just fire the entire department. Of course, that makes her coworkers glower at her, each of them blaming her for putting them on the spot as well, no matter their responsibility in this mess.
Her supervisor catches up to her in the hallway. His neck is on the line here, too.
Freeze frame.
Sally is feeling terrible as it is, hopeless and frustrated. She wants this project to be a success as much as anyone, but no one is helping her!
Her supervisor is frustrated and worried. She isn't the only one that got verbally shredded by the Big Boss. He has to find a way to make this work, or he could lose his job. And with a new baby at home... can anyone blame him if he is a little tense?
There are two ways this could go.
He could give her "the talk". Basically rehash over everything the Big Boss just said. "Sally, you have made a big mess of this, and you need to clean this up and get this done soon or we're all going to be fired and it's all your fault!"
And she could fire back with "the others on my team aren't helping me, they're a bunch of lazy bums, and I'm tired of everyone yelling at me when no one will do their part and this isn't my fault!"
Wow. That isn't going to go over well. Throwing your coworkers under the bus generally isn't considered a career-boosting move.
Let's inject just a little bit of positivity into this, and see if it can go better.
The supervisor gives her a smile, and instead of yelling, he says "boy, that was a rough meeting, eh? I"m sorry things haven't been going so well on this. I'm here to help you. I believe in you, I know you can do this. Is there anything I can do to help work this out? Are you having problems with your team? I know Alice has been having trouble at home with her kids, maybe she could use a different assignment. And Joe hasn't been doing much lately, he told me he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing. Could we maybe have a meeting and see if we can straighten this out?"
Sally, who didn't know about Alice's problems at home, feels a bit of hope now. If she has her supervisor in her corner, maybe she can get the others to do their jobs and salvage this project.
"That would be great," she tells him. "I know the others have been busy, and I'm sorry for Alice, but I just can't do this alone. If we can all work together, then we can get this done. I appreciate the vote of confidence."
So rather than going back to her desk feeling like an utter failure, Sally has the power of positivity to give her that little boost she needs to get up and try again. She hasn't failed yet. She only fails if she gives up. And thanks to her supervisor's encouragement, she isn't giving up yet.
Everyone in this world can use a little more positivity in their lives. Whether at work, at home, or even just out among the general public. It is unfortunate that there is so much in the media that applauds negativity. Competition, back-biting, fault-finding, anger and selfishness. That is what gets attention, and ratings. There seems to be so little in this world that is positive.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Being positive is possible, and much more fun, in my opinion. And it starts with you. Be more positive, with yourself, and with others. And it will amaze you just how much better life can really be.
Then it hit me. I was coming at it from the wrong direction.
Humor is great. Everyone loves a good belly laugh, sometimes getting to the point that you're sitting there, flapping helplessly, like a drunk, demented seal.
But let's face it, humor isn't the solution to everything, believe it or not.
Majorie Pay Hinckley, who happens to be one of my personal heroes, once said something to the effect of "You can either laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache." That is such an inspiration to me, and so true! Another wise person, whose name escapes me at the moment, said that life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it. Also very true. We can often turn a bad day around simply by our reaction.
I know some of you out there are probably already rolling your eyes, wanting to reach through your computer screens and shake me, reminding me that it isn't that simple. What about depression, or anxiety, or any other of a host of mental illnesses?
Believe me, I know. Depression is a specter over my days as well. But that is the beauty of positivity. It isn't something you feel, so much as something you do. Something you think. A way of approaching life that is beyond your mental state. And, in fact, there have been preliminary scientific studies that suggest that over time, you can rewire your brain to be more positive simply by trying to think more positively! Imagine what a relief that could be to millions who suffer every day from hopelessness and despair.
Again, I know, it isn't always that easy. Some illness is so severe it cannot be conquered by any amount of positive thinking. But isn't it worth a try?
The general idea that I am trying to convey, in my own strange way, is that life is what we make of it. If you are having a bad day, month, year, whatever, you may be able to improve things simply by changing your outlook.
Take laundry, for instance. Not the favorite chore for most people, because it is so blasted boring! I don't mind it, actually.
Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor already. I'm not terribly good at keeping up with it, but once I get started, I enjoy the quiet time, because I use that time to let my brain wander. I'll spend time picking through whatever the current knotty problems are in my life, thinking about my interactions with the kids, other people, things that need to be done...
Yes, a little too easy to obsess when you let your brain be so totally free. But would you care to guess what I was doing when I finally broke through and found my idea for this blog post? Yeah, laundry.
You can apply that to other simple problems or annoyances in life. Who loves to do dishes?
I didn't think so.
But... that can also be time used for thinking. Maybe you can consider the latest dinner recipe, and ways to improve it. Maybe go over your mental grocery list. Or even a physical one, if you are that organized. Turn it into family time. Hand your kid a dish towel and talk about school while doing the dishes. And no, being made to do chores is NOT going to scar your kid for life.
In fact, that is another side to positivity. Take the last day you had that you were so utterly exhausted, so discouraged, you felt like you just could not scrape your sorry hide out of bed to do anything. Well, if your problems are physical, there may not be much to do about that other than a couple of ibuprofen and a hot bath. But if you are having a bad day mentally, take every little scrap of willpower you can find, every last gasp of impetus, and do something. Anything. Even if it's just cleaning old receipts off of your desk.
Now, take a look at what you did.
Doesn't that feel good? You accomplished something!
Ride the wave. Take that feeling, and go do something else, like pull weeds out of the front sidewalk. Getting outside can be a great boost to positivity. I love being outside more than in. I love being out under the big blue sky, watching the clouds, watching hummingbirds hovering around my front flowerbed. I love watching the kids running around while I not-so-secretly envy their energy levels and wish I could somehow bottle it and sell it for a million dollars.
Being positive isn't just for ourselves, either. It can have a great effect on other people. Your children, for instance:
Let's say you have just told your kids to clean up the living room. There's books, crayons, cups, bowls, toys, papers... ay yi yi, it looks like a tornado went nine rounds with a hurricane. But they are old enough to learn to clean, so it's their job to clean up their mess. You tell them to clean, then head into the kitchen to start dinner.
You come back five minutes later. One of them made a desultory effort to stack books, while the other two alternate between playing, teasing, and outright fighting, making the mess even worse.
So what are you options here?
If your knee-jerk reaction is anything like mine, it's to yell "what are you doing, I told you to clean this mess up, if you don't clean it up right now I'm going to get the garbage can out and clean it my way and you know what that means!"
And just how effective is that?
If your kids are like mine, they probably instantly break out into a chorus of "but she..." or "but he....." or "I didn't..." or "this is boring" or "not fair!"
Headdesk.
Of course, there is another option. Break down and do it yourself. Which, of course, just teaches the kids that if they whine enough, mommy will do everything for them. That attitude has direct correlation to the generation of entitled teens we have today.
That, however, is a different subject. At the moment, you have to find a way to teach your kids responsibility while actually accomplishing something.
So what is the positive way to solve this problem?
We've had some very creative solutions in the past. But most of them boil down to one basic concept. You don't do the cleaning for them. You don't leave it all to them. You work together.
How could this scenario go? Maybe something like this-- you step into the room with an encouraging smile, even though the last thing you feel like doing is smiling, and you sit down on a chair. "I see you are having some trouble getting started," you tell them. "Let's work on this together and see how fast we can get it done."
"Kid 1, you keep working on the books, since you are doing such a good job with them." Believe it or not, when I put things in those terms, my kids not only put away the loose books, they take the time to organize the whole bookshelf! Anything that gets praise from mommy, which they love.
"Kid 2, you are big enough to carry a stack of dishes, how about you stack those dishes in rainbow order and take them to the sink?"
Infuse a little fun into the job, making a rainbow, and they will get it done.
"Kid 3, let me see you take a shot into the toy bin with those stuffed animals. Go for a 3 pointer!"
It definitely takes longer than if you had just done it yourself. But eventually, the job is done. You have a sense of satisfaction that your living room has been restored to livability, your kids have a sense of accomplishment, and you can now run over the ant-attracting crumbs with the vacuum before every ant in the neighborhood discovers the smorgasbord on your floor.
Soon enough, with time and practice, your kids will find a routine of their own. And, maybe, if a miracle happens, they'll learn to clean up the mess themselves without being asked.
Positivity can work miracles. For yourself, and others.
Let's try another one. This time with adults. We all know that kids are highly irrational and illogical beings. But adults... that one should be easy, right?
Sally is just emerging from a meeting that would be more accurately described as a public flogging. Her current project is in shambles, having rapidly fallen apart over the last couple weeks. The other members of her team aren't holding up their end, the Big Boss is furious and just spent half an hour practically screaming at her that she had better get it together before he decides to just fire the entire department. Of course, that makes her coworkers glower at her, each of them blaming her for putting them on the spot as well, no matter their responsibility in this mess.
Her supervisor catches up to her in the hallway. His neck is on the line here, too.
Freeze frame.
Sally is feeling terrible as it is, hopeless and frustrated. She wants this project to be a success as much as anyone, but no one is helping her!
Her supervisor is frustrated and worried. She isn't the only one that got verbally shredded by the Big Boss. He has to find a way to make this work, or he could lose his job. And with a new baby at home... can anyone blame him if he is a little tense?
There are two ways this could go.
He could give her "the talk". Basically rehash over everything the Big Boss just said. "Sally, you have made a big mess of this, and you need to clean this up and get this done soon or we're all going to be fired and it's all your fault!"
And she could fire back with "the others on my team aren't helping me, they're a bunch of lazy bums, and I'm tired of everyone yelling at me when no one will do their part and this isn't my fault!"
Wow. That isn't going to go over well. Throwing your coworkers under the bus generally isn't considered a career-boosting move.
Let's inject just a little bit of positivity into this, and see if it can go better.
The supervisor gives her a smile, and instead of yelling, he says "boy, that was a rough meeting, eh? I"m sorry things haven't been going so well on this. I'm here to help you. I believe in you, I know you can do this. Is there anything I can do to help work this out? Are you having problems with your team? I know Alice has been having trouble at home with her kids, maybe she could use a different assignment. And Joe hasn't been doing much lately, he told me he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing. Could we maybe have a meeting and see if we can straighten this out?"
Sally, who didn't know about Alice's problems at home, feels a bit of hope now. If she has her supervisor in her corner, maybe she can get the others to do their jobs and salvage this project.
"That would be great," she tells him. "I know the others have been busy, and I'm sorry for Alice, but I just can't do this alone. If we can all work together, then we can get this done. I appreciate the vote of confidence."
So rather than going back to her desk feeling like an utter failure, Sally has the power of positivity to give her that little boost she needs to get up and try again. She hasn't failed yet. She only fails if she gives up. And thanks to her supervisor's encouragement, she isn't giving up yet.
Everyone in this world can use a little more positivity in their lives. Whether at work, at home, or even just out among the general public. It is unfortunate that there is so much in the media that applauds negativity. Competition, back-biting, fault-finding, anger and selfishness. That is what gets attention, and ratings. There seems to be so little in this world that is positive.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Being positive is possible, and much more fun, in my opinion. And it starts with you. Be more positive, with yourself, and with others. And it will amaze you just how much better life can really be.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Gratitude...The Gift That Keeps on Giving
You've spent all afternoon shopping for the perfect gift for your daughter. You know her likes and dislikes, and you know she can be very...um...selective, shall we say? But you are fairly certain you have found the gift that will make her squeal and jump up and down in absolute ecstasy!
You get home, wrap it lovingly in the shiny fuchsia pink paper with the rainbow ribbons that you know she wanted, and set it on the table just in time for her to come bursting through the door with her friends. They had a successful afternoon at the arcade, and now it is time for copious amounts of sucrose and rending of wrapping paper.
The cake is doled out, and the birthday girl settles in to survey her booty. She opens a few presents from her friends first, ooing and ahhing over each one before going to the next. She's practically in a frenzy now. She gets to your present and tears off the wrapping.
She smiles, says "awesome", tosses it aside, and goes onto the next one.
That's it.
Just... awesome.
No "Wow, thanks, you're the best parents ever!"
No "This is what I always wanted, thanks so much!"
No "Thanks!" at all.
You feel your bubble rapidly deflating as you watch your perfect present slowly buried under the mountain of other perfect presents. Oh, let's be honest. She might as well have stomped all over it. Is this really your daughter? The child you have carefully drilled manners into from the time she was old enough to understand that the sounds coming out of your mouth were actually words? Is this really the girl that total strangers smile and comment over, about how wonderfully behaved she is, and how lucky you are as a parent to have such a well-mannered child?
For a second, you have to look twice just to make sure that Scrooge isn't sitting in your dining room, scattering colorful paper around the room like confetti and squealing with sugar-hyped friends.
I know what you are thinking. She's just a kid. I'm sure she is grateful. She commented on it, right?
But it still hurts, doesn't it? The utter, complete, ingratitude of that kid. After the time you spent searching for the perfect gift, the one thing that would make the other kids in the neighborhood green with envy, and she couldn't even be troubled to say "thank you". And, preferably, mean it.
Gratitude is suffering from a terrible lack of supply these days. It seems that everyone wants to be appreciated for what they do, who they are, for the sacrifices they make for family, friends, and perfect strangers... but they seem to have a curiously hard time in giving that same acknowledgement to others. Is it really so very hard to say "thank you" to others, and mean it? From that random cute guy that holds open the door for you at Wendy's, to the people who gave you life and raised you?
Or even... to our Creator?
We've all felt the sting of not being appreciated. You moms out there know it well. Our job is a very thankless one. Almost painfully so. And yet we do it anyway, because of our love for our family. Imagine, then, how it must feel for the One who has given us everything, to look down on this world and see how utterly selfish His children have become.
Yes, I said selfish. Because that's what it is, isn't it? If we can't be bothered to be grateful for what we have, aren't we only thinking of ourselves? And that, at it's core, is selfishness. The essence of gratitude is thinking of others and putting their feelings first. Therefore, the opposite is thinking of oneself. Selfishness.
Is it really so hard? Really? Even when we aren't feeling particularly grateful, is it so difficult to give a simple and sincere thank you? That olive green sweater with the dancing gray kitten may be the ugliest thing to ever be shipped by the US Postal Service, and you may be wishing to heaven that you could come up with a decent excuse to give Great Aunt Gertie why you can't wear it (is there such a thing as an acrylic allergy?). But... she went to a lot of trouble to make it. She gave of her time and talent to make something special for you. Would it really kill you just to say "thank you for your effort, Auntie"?
Because when you say thank you, you are also saying something else. You are saying "I appreciate you for what you did for me." Or, in short, you are saying "I love you".
Gratitude isn't always just what you say, either. It comes through in your everyday actions. How you act or react toward that person. How you treat the gift they gave you. How you then behave toward others.
There is a custom in our society called "paying it forward". In essence, it is showing gratitude simply for the kindness of others as a whole, by doing nice things for others in advance. Has anyone ever done a great favor for you, and the only thing they asked in return was for you to help someone else? Have you shown your gratitude by following through with their wish?
Our world is rapidly becoming all about "every man for himself". Worse, it is becoming about "every man wanting the whole world to be about himself". The antidote for selfishness is selflessness. Gratitude. Love for others. If we want this world to be a better place, where we should start is with ourselves. In our words and deeds. These things can ripple out from us and make our homes, families and communities better places. We should teach our children gratitude, and show it to others as much as we can. Like respect and kindness, gratitude should be a part of us, a thread in the tapestry of our lives.
And in the long run, you will find yourself not only appreciating others more, but being appreciated. When we have a grateful heart, others can see it, and the effect is magnified. Gratitude truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
You get home, wrap it lovingly in the shiny fuchsia pink paper with the rainbow ribbons that you know she wanted, and set it on the table just in time for her to come bursting through the door with her friends. They had a successful afternoon at the arcade, and now it is time for copious amounts of sucrose and rending of wrapping paper.
The cake is doled out, and the birthday girl settles in to survey her booty. She opens a few presents from her friends first, ooing and ahhing over each one before going to the next. She's practically in a frenzy now. She gets to your present and tears off the wrapping.
She smiles, says "awesome", tosses it aside, and goes onto the next one.
That's it.
Just... awesome.
No "Wow, thanks, you're the best parents ever!"
No "This is what I always wanted, thanks so much!"
No "Thanks!" at all.
You feel your bubble rapidly deflating as you watch your perfect present slowly buried under the mountain of other perfect presents. Oh, let's be honest. She might as well have stomped all over it. Is this really your daughter? The child you have carefully drilled manners into from the time she was old enough to understand that the sounds coming out of your mouth were actually words? Is this really the girl that total strangers smile and comment over, about how wonderfully behaved she is, and how lucky you are as a parent to have such a well-mannered child?
For a second, you have to look twice just to make sure that Scrooge isn't sitting in your dining room, scattering colorful paper around the room like confetti and squealing with sugar-hyped friends.
I know what you are thinking. She's just a kid. I'm sure she is grateful. She commented on it, right?
But it still hurts, doesn't it? The utter, complete, ingratitude of that kid. After the time you spent searching for the perfect gift, the one thing that would make the other kids in the neighborhood green with envy, and she couldn't even be troubled to say "thank you". And, preferably, mean it.
Gratitude is suffering from a terrible lack of supply these days. It seems that everyone wants to be appreciated for what they do, who they are, for the sacrifices they make for family, friends, and perfect strangers... but they seem to have a curiously hard time in giving that same acknowledgement to others. Is it really so very hard to say "thank you" to others, and mean it? From that random cute guy that holds open the door for you at Wendy's, to the people who gave you life and raised you?
Or even... to our Creator?
We've all felt the sting of not being appreciated. You moms out there know it well. Our job is a very thankless one. Almost painfully so. And yet we do it anyway, because of our love for our family. Imagine, then, how it must feel for the One who has given us everything, to look down on this world and see how utterly selfish His children have become.
Yes, I said selfish. Because that's what it is, isn't it? If we can't be bothered to be grateful for what we have, aren't we only thinking of ourselves? And that, at it's core, is selfishness. The essence of gratitude is thinking of others and putting their feelings first. Therefore, the opposite is thinking of oneself. Selfishness.
Is it really so hard? Really? Even when we aren't feeling particularly grateful, is it so difficult to give a simple and sincere thank you? That olive green sweater with the dancing gray kitten may be the ugliest thing to ever be shipped by the US Postal Service, and you may be wishing to heaven that you could come up with a decent excuse to give Great Aunt Gertie why you can't wear it (is there such a thing as an acrylic allergy?). But... she went to a lot of trouble to make it. She gave of her time and talent to make something special for you. Would it really kill you just to say "thank you for your effort, Auntie"?
Because when you say thank you, you are also saying something else. You are saying "I appreciate you for what you did for me." Or, in short, you are saying "I love you".
Gratitude isn't always just what you say, either. It comes through in your everyday actions. How you act or react toward that person. How you treat the gift they gave you. How you then behave toward others.
There is a custom in our society called "paying it forward". In essence, it is showing gratitude simply for the kindness of others as a whole, by doing nice things for others in advance. Has anyone ever done a great favor for you, and the only thing they asked in return was for you to help someone else? Have you shown your gratitude by following through with their wish?
Our world is rapidly becoming all about "every man for himself". Worse, it is becoming about "every man wanting the whole world to be about himself". The antidote for selfishness is selflessness. Gratitude. Love for others. If we want this world to be a better place, where we should start is with ourselves. In our words and deeds. These things can ripple out from us and make our homes, families and communities better places. We should teach our children gratitude, and show it to others as much as we can. Like respect and kindness, gratitude should be a part of us, a thread in the tapestry of our lives.
And in the long run, you will find yourself not only appreciating others more, but being appreciated. When we have a grateful heart, others can see it, and the effect is magnified. Gratitude truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Rule Number Two: Kindness
Respect, and kindness. Not so very different from each other, are they?
In definition, perhaps. But not in execution.
You see, just like respect, everyone deserves kindness.
Yes, I am serious about that. Everyone in this world deserves kindness. Even those we call jerks and bullies. You never know what makes a bully the way they are. Perhaps it is because they never knew true kindness in their life, and so they decided to lash out instead. To make themselves look better by making others look far worse. And yet, in the end, both bully and victim are torn town and left with nothing but anguish and despair.
The philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said "You can never do a kindness too soon, because you never know how soon it will be too late." And this is so terribly true. There are souls out there in our world right now, crying out for kindness. Some may never receive it. Some are driven to their graves by hopelessness.
How much does it cost us to show just a little kindness, just a little empathy for our fellow humans? Not nearly as much as people often think. Too many hold back because they worry about the monetary cost, or the time involved. How hard is it to just smile at someone? It takes about, what, three seconds for a smile to be created, and then registered by the other person? A quick hello, which is less than a second?
And should you decide that isn't enough, even just a small donation of time or money can make all the difference in the world.
But kindness should not be confused with charitable acts. Like respect, it should apply not just to certain situations, with certain needy people. It should be part of the everyday, part of the very fiber of our being. Kindness should be one of our core principles in any situation, no matter how hard our own life seems.
As with respect, let's try a sample case.
You're walking down the street, late one evening, close to Christmas. You are tired, not particularly feeling the Christmas spirit, and have spent the last five minutes calculating the interest you'll have to pay on the credit card you just racked up buying presents. Foolish, certainly, but you never seem to be able to get around to creating that Christmas savings club account you keep hearing about. Next year, you promise yourself. Next year, you'll be better. You'll do better. The masters of your destiny named Visa and Mastercard won't get the better of you anymore...
You pause, and groan inwardly. Not another one.
Standing on the next corner is a woman in a tattered coat. She has a small cardboard sign saying "Single mother with four kids, anything is appreciated". There is a bowl at her few, with just a few pitiful coins lying in the bottom of it.
From the back of the cluttered shelves of your memories comes a vague recollection of a news story about these beggars. The majority of them are professionals, who never lift a finger to do a bit of work even though they are perfectly capable. They choose instead to feed off of the generosity of others, laughing all the way to the bars to spend their tax-free gains while you slave away just to put food on the table.
You feel anger rising from deep within. You are highly tempted to give this woman a piece of your mind.
Now, let's look at the situation from the beggar's point of view.
It's late. Christmas is in three days, and thus far, you have managed to obtain only one small gift for your children. A used gift, at that. But at least it's better than last year, when you had nothing.
For the millionth time in the last year, you curse the sorry waste of breath that used to be your husband, who skipped out of town and vanished, leaving you to raise the children alone, including one special-needs child with mounting medical bills and very bleak prospects for the future. For a time, you considered putting them up for adoption, but you didn't. There was that nagging fear that they would insist on getting permission from the father as well, and that would bring him back into your lives, possibly with the result of more abuse, more threats, more pain.
No. Better to toil on alone, and give these children the security of your love, even if they have so little else.
You see a man approaching. You fight not to blush, knowing that your blouse is torn from a fight with another panhandler. Who knows what this passerby can see. It has been so long since you had to sell nearly everything you owned just to pay the rent. You have only two outfits, and the one you wore yesterday is soaked. And so you had to resort to this one. It is humiliating to you, a trained professional, to have to stand on a corner and beg for handouts.
Because of the children. Everything you do is for them.
Let's step back and take a look at this, shall we?
On the one hand, we have a man who is not in a great place financially himself, but he at least has the means to care for his family. He isn't in a very good mood, and he is already predisposed to think badly of those who beg for money. Even with the season of Christmas, the time of year when everyone is encouraged to be more kind, more giving, more loving, he has little reason to show kindness toward this woman that he thinks is a fraud.
Then there is the beggar, who has had very little kindness in her life lately. She was used to a reasonably good life, food on the table, a stable home, and a decent expectation for safety. And it was all torn away from her by a husband turned abuser. She has been thrown down the ladder of life, and too many have simply stepped over her on their way up. She doesn't expect anyone to act any differently. But there is still the slightest spark of hope in her. Hope that someone will show her just a little kindness.
So... what would you do? I am not going to finish this one. You write the ending. I think you know how this could play out. For good or ill.
If it were you, what would you do?
At the least, the man could give her a little money for her kids. That would be the most basic kindness she could ask for, and it would certainly help. But it could be so much more. And it wouldn't even take that much effort.
Let's make this situation a little harder, shall we? Suppose the man knew this woman. Suppose they had once been business rivals, and she had cost him dearly in his career. What should he do?
Forgiveness is another topic entirely. But it is inextricably interwoven with its sibling threads of kindness and respect.
There are people in this world who are hurting. Badly. Then there are some who may not be hurting so badly, but could still use a little encouragement. And there are those blessed souls who are trying to help, but cannot do it alone. You can make a difference. All it takes is just a little kindness. Just a little from each person, taken together, makes a lot.
And even if the only life you change is your own... isn't it still worth it?
In definition, perhaps. But not in execution.
You see, just like respect, everyone deserves kindness.
Yes, I am serious about that. Everyone in this world deserves kindness. Even those we call jerks and bullies. You never know what makes a bully the way they are. Perhaps it is because they never knew true kindness in their life, and so they decided to lash out instead. To make themselves look better by making others look far worse. And yet, in the end, both bully and victim are torn town and left with nothing but anguish and despair.
The philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said "You can never do a kindness too soon, because you never know how soon it will be too late." And this is so terribly true. There are souls out there in our world right now, crying out for kindness. Some may never receive it. Some are driven to their graves by hopelessness.
How much does it cost us to show just a little kindness, just a little empathy for our fellow humans? Not nearly as much as people often think. Too many hold back because they worry about the monetary cost, or the time involved. How hard is it to just smile at someone? It takes about, what, three seconds for a smile to be created, and then registered by the other person? A quick hello, which is less than a second?
And should you decide that isn't enough, even just a small donation of time or money can make all the difference in the world.
But kindness should not be confused with charitable acts. Like respect, it should apply not just to certain situations, with certain needy people. It should be part of the everyday, part of the very fiber of our being. Kindness should be one of our core principles in any situation, no matter how hard our own life seems.
As with respect, let's try a sample case.
You're walking down the street, late one evening, close to Christmas. You are tired, not particularly feeling the Christmas spirit, and have spent the last five minutes calculating the interest you'll have to pay on the credit card you just racked up buying presents. Foolish, certainly, but you never seem to be able to get around to creating that Christmas savings club account you keep hearing about. Next year, you promise yourself. Next year, you'll be better. You'll do better. The masters of your destiny named Visa and Mastercard won't get the better of you anymore...
You pause, and groan inwardly. Not another one.
Standing on the next corner is a woman in a tattered coat. She has a small cardboard sign saying "Single mother with four kids, anything is appreciated". There is a bowl at her few, with just a few pitiful coins lying in the bottom of it.
From the back of the cluttered shelves of your memories comes a vague recollection of a news story about these beggars. The majority of them are professionals, who never lift a finger to do a bit of work even though they are perfectly capable. They choose instead to feed off of the generosity of others, laughing all the way to the bars to spend their tax-free gains while you slave away just to put food on the table.
You feel anger rising from deep within. You are highly tempted to give this woman a piece of your mind.
Now, let's look at the situation from the beggar's point of view.
It's late. Christmas is in three days, and thus far, you have managed to obtain only one small gift for your children. A used gift, at that. But at least it's better than last year, when you had nothing.
For the millionth time in the last year, you curse the sorry waste of breath that used to be your husband, who skipped out of town and vanished, leaving you to raise the children alone, including one special-needs child with mounting medical bills and very bleak prospects for the future. For a time, you considered putting them up for adoption, but you didn't. There was that nagging fear that they would insist on getting permission from the father as well, and that would bring him back into your lives, possibly with the result of more abuse, more threats, more pain.
No. Better to toil on alone, and give these children the security of your love, even if they have so little else.
You see a man approaching. You fight not to blush, knowing that your blouse is torn from a fight with another panhandler. Who knows what this passerby can see. It has been so long since you had to sell nearly everything you owned just to pay the rent. You have only two outfits, and the one you wore yesterday is soaked. And so you had to resort to this one. It is humiliating to you, a trained professional, to have to stand on a corner and beg for handouts.
Because of the children. Everything you do is for them.
Let's step back and take a look at this, shall we?
On the one hand, we have a man who is not in a great place financially himself, but he at least has the means to care for his family. He isn't in a very good mood, and he is already predisposed to think badly of those who beg for money. Even with the season of Christmas, the time of year when everyone is encouraged to be more kind, more giving, more loving, he has little reason to show kindness toward this woman that he thinks is a fraud.
Then there is the beggar, who has had very little kindness in her life lately. She was used to a reasonably good life, food on the table, a stable home, and a decent expectation for safety. And it was all torn away from her by a husband turned abuser. She has been thrown down the ladder of life, and too many have simply stepped over her on their way up. She doesn't expect anyone to act any differently. But there is still the slightest spark of hope in her. Hope that someone will show her just a little kindness.
So... what would you do? I am not going to finish this one. You write the ending. I think you know how this could play out. For good or ill.
If it were you, what would you do?
At the least, the man could give her a little money for her kids. That would be the most basic kindness she could ask for, and it would certainly help. But it could be so much more. And it wouldn't even take that much effort.
Let's make this situation a little harder, shall we? Suppose the man knew this woman. Suppose they had once been business rivals, and she had cost him dearly in his career. What should he do?
Forgiveness is another topic entirely. But it is inextricably interwoven with its sibling threads of kindness and respect.
There are people in this world who are hurting. Badly. Then there are some who may not be hurting so badly, but could still use a little encouragement. And there are those blessed souls who are trying to help, but cannot do it alone. You can make a difference. All it takes is just a little kindness. Just a little from each person, taken together, makes a lot.
And even if the only life you change is your own... isn't it still worth it?
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Rule Number one... Respect.
Respect is sometimes considered a formal word. It's something that applies to your boss, teachers, mentors, even colleagues. It's not usually something you think of in your everyday interactions.
But it should be.
It's not something reserved for the highest and noblest in our lives. It's not something that only comes out when we're at work, or at an important function. It's not a song.
It should be a fundamental part of everything you do, of who you are.
Let's look at the word respect. According to Old Man Webster, respect is "a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way."
Wow. Noah Webster nailed it. Someone, or something, is important.
That, right there, is the key.
Everyone on this planet, from the highest and most famous celebrity or politician, right down to the humblest beggar, is worthy of basic respect. Everyone has worth, everyone has value. Some, unfortunately, choose to disrespect others, either through words or actions. But that person has the capability, at any time, to turn around and make amends. It is still possible, no matter how unlikely, that they can improve themselves and show respect to others. They should still be respected as a fellow human being with human rights.
So, how does this apply to life in general? Why should respect be rule number one in life? Well, people tend to learn best through parable, simile, metaphor, fables, anecdotes... by the example of others. So let's try one, shall we?
You are at the store. It has been a very long day, you have kids in the car begging for the latest sucrose-infused hyperactivity inducing indulgence in the bags, you are exhausted, you haven't showered for three days, you blew a tire this morning at the very beginning of your errands, the wind is blowing and fighting your efforts to load things into the car...
And then it happens. Your cart skitters out of your control, and bangs into the car next to you.
Oh....no.
You yank it quickly away and examine the car. There doesn't appear to be any damage. Cars are much hardier things these days, partially made of plastic and rubber, and less prone to minor bumps and scrapes. Phew. Now all you want to do is get the heck out of there as fast as humanly possible, plunk the kids in front of a movie with their treats, and have just five minutes to sit down before your body chooses to force you to do so anyway.
Let's switch perspective to the owner of the other car.
It's been a long day. Your car wouldn't start this morning because of a dead battery, you were late to work, and immediately got yanked into a meeting during which you learn that the firm's biggest client just decided to jump ship and go with your strongest competitor. The boss, whether unfairly or not, decides that this is all your fault and proceeds to rail on you for the next half hour in front of your colleagues, all of whom are giving you covert smug looks that say "well, nice knowing you, pal, can I have your office?"
You wife calls during lunch to inform you that three of your offspring have the flu and have been throwing up all morning, which causes you to instantly lose your appetite. As much as she would love to send you to a hotel to avoid the plague, she desperately needs your help. Oh, and could you stop at the store and pick up something easy she can shove in the nuke-box because she is busy cleaning up a dozen piles of vomit on the white rug, and oh yeah, you need another bottle of carpet cleaner. Or two or three.
The cashier is extremely slow, and surly, glaring at you as if blaming you for every minute of their miserable minimum wage existence. You grab your purchases and swiftly head for the exit, vowing to wreak vengeance on the next person who so much as breathes at you wrong.
You get outside and down the row of cars just in time to see some jerk hit your car with their grocery cart. Unbelievable. You stride over, blood boiling, preparing your best "what idiot school dared to spawn such a stupid, inconsiderate punk as you... and by the way, you're going to pay for that."
Switch back to the mother with the cart.
You turn around, and see a guy coming toward you with thunder in his face, fists clenched, keys in hand. The owner of the car. From the look on his face, he is utterly furious, and about to explode on you. Fear rises in your throat, choking you. At the same time, your hackles are instantly raised, like a stray cat facing a pack of rabid dogs. He looks ready to give you one heck of a battle, and you are ready to return fire.
Now stop. Step back from either perspective, and look at the situation.
Both of these people have had a very bad day full of disrespect from their fellow human beings. Frankly, they haven't really deserved any of it, and they feel it. They feel beaten, exhausted, and ready to snap. Neither one did anything deliberately to hurt the other, and yet they are both angry at either other.
Throw in just a dash of respect. Tone down the anger, try to look at things objectively. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth the battle, the anger, the hurt that you might cause?
Hit the play button. The car owner stops, taking another look at the cart holder. She looks tired, nearly in tears, and already pulled the cart quickly away from the car. She is clearly very aware of what happened, and feels terrible about it. Is yelling at her going to improve the situation? Is it going to make your miserable day any better? Probably not. You know yourself well enough to know that seething over the incident for the next three hours is not going to help anything. You walk over without saying a word, focusing on your breathing to calm down, and examine your car. No damage. Thank goodness.
Switch to the owner of the cart. He didn't yell. You let out the breath you've been holding, unclench your hands, and explain in a shaky voice that the wind blew your cart out of your control, and it hit the car, and you are so very, very sorry...
Back to the car owner. You can hear it now. The pain and stress in her voice. This is a fellow human being who has likely had just as bad a day as you, her kids are now whining and fighting in her car, upset at the delay in their routine, and she really doesn't deserve to be yelled at yet again.
"It's okay," you finally manage. "There's no damage. You might want to brace your cart on your bumper next time, that usually works for me. Hope you have a better day."
She blinks, totally not expecting that response, then manages a weak smile. You push the anger away, letting it drain into the cracked asphalt, and for an extra measure of forgiveness, you take her empty cart and put it into a cart return rack for her. She calls a tearful thank you, climbs into her minivan, and drives away.
You put your bags in your car, climb in, and start for home.
Let's look at how both parties are feeling right now. The owner of the car, instead of being angry at the situation for the next few hours, which isn't healthy, has decided to let it go, and show some kindness and respect. He still has a long evening to face, but at least he can face it without yet another incident digging into his skin like a poisonous thorn. He feels good that he chose respect, and made another person's day just a little better.
Look at the cart holder. She is still exhausted, the kids are still whining, and there's that nagging ticking sound under the hood again... but she avoided a fight. The car owner showed her kindness, and a feeling of gratitude and relief lightens her burden just a little. Thankfully, there are still good people in the world.
Basic respect. It really isn't as hard as it seems. When you feel like disrespecting someone, through anger, fear, embarrassment, or sheer exasperation, stop for a second. Step back. Is it going to help the situation? Probably not. Do they really deserve it? Not likely. Is it going to ruin your day? Oh yeah.
Turn it around, and look at it from the other person's point of view. Most of the time, they don't mean to hurt you. There are very few people that go around all day deliberately being jerks. When someone deliberately tries to hurt you, the best response is none at all. Ignore them. They thrive on your angry response, on knowing they have power to hurt you. Take back the power in the situation, and don't let them manipulate you. Respect that they are humans, and possibly have some kind of mental issue going on that makes them this way.
For everyone else, take a look at the possible outcomes. Being angry and disrespectful isn't going to help either one of you. "But I want to teach them a lesson!" you say to yourself. Honestly, they probably already know. In the heat of the moment, in the midst of their daily frustration and the plague of details that hovers around them, maybe they just forgot. It could even be something that is totally out of their control. There is saying that we are our own worst critics, and it is very true. You don't really need to yell at someone that is already beating themselves up.
And is it going to help you to yell? No. Medical studies have proven that the effects of anger can be very dangerous. Even fatal. Prolonged anger can cause problems all over your cardiovascular system. It makes you tired, it makes you sick, it doesn't really help anything. Even that small, momentary feeling of satisfaction at having scored a point wears off quickly.
Try respect, instead. Take a step back, and if you can't speak kindly, or at least tolerantly, then don't say anything. Don't make the situation worse than it already is. You never know what someone has gone through, you don't know what makes them the way they are.
Or maybe you do. Maybe this person is a member of your family, or your circle of friends. Maybe they have done something utterly boneheaded, and needs correction.
Do you really have to be disrespectful about it?
No. Of all people in our lives, our family and friends, those we love, deserve our respect. Why is it that we are always more respectful of strangers than those we know? "They should know better!" You say.
Yes, perhaps they should. But they...are...human! They are not perfect! And neither are you.
Apply the same principle to your children, spouse, siblings, and friends. Take a step back. Look at the situation. Knowing them as you do, you can probably figure out fairly quickly why they behaved badly. Why they made a mistake. With kids, you sometimes have to get tough. But you don't have to be disrespectful about it. Correct their actions. Then show them that you still love them. They aren't bad people. They just made a bad choice. You will get fair better results from love than from any kind of brute force. Children learn from our examples, and if we choose disrespect, what do you think they are going to learn?
At our core, we genuinely want to be liked. We want to be loved. And we crave respect, we crave the connection that can come only from love and kindness. There is far too little of it in today's world.
"So what good is it going to do?" you ask in despair. "If everyone else out there is being a jerk, what good will it do to be nice?"
You may not know for sure. You may never know what a smile, a kind word, an act of forgiveness may do for those you interact with. Your reaction could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or it could be the very last lifeline they have, the thing that convinces them that maybe, just maybe, life isn't so bad. There are still good people in this world, people that make it a bit better place.
Wouldn't you rather be one of them?
But it should be.
It's not something reserved for the highest and noblest in our lives. It's not something that only comes out when we're at work, or at an important function. It's not a song.
It should be a fundamental part of everything you do, of who you are.
Let's look at the word respect. According to Old Man Webster, respect is "a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way."
Wow. Noah Webster nailed it. Someone, or something, is important.
That, right there, is the key.
Everyone on this planet, from the highest and most famous celebrity or politician, right down to the humblest beggar, is worthy of basic respect. Everyone has worth, everyone has value. Some, unfortunately, choose to disrespect others, either through words or actions. But that person has the capability, at any time, to turn around and make amends. It is still possible, no matter how unlikely, that they can improve themselves and show respect to others. They should still be respected as a fellow human being with human rights.
So, how does this apply to life in general? Why should respect be rule number one in life? Well, people tend to learn best through parable, simile, metaphor, fables, anecdotes... by the example of others. So let's try one, shall we?
You are at the store. It has been a very long day, you have kids in the car begging for the latest sucrose-infused hyperactivity inducing indulgence in the bags, you are exhausted, you haven't showered for three days, you blew a tire this morning at the very beginning of your errands, the wind is blowing and fighting your efforts to load things into the car...
And then it happens. Your cart skitters out of your control, and bangs into the car next to you.
Oh....no.
You yank it quickly away and examine the car. There doesn't appear to be any damage. Cars are much hardier things these days, partially made of plastic and rubber, and less prone to minor bumps and scrapes. Phew. Now all you want to do is get the heck out of there as fast as humanly possible, plunk the kids in front of a movie with their treats, and have just five minutes to sit down before your body chooses to force you to do so anyway.
Let's switch perspective to the owner of the other car.
It's been a long day. Your car wouldn't start this morning because of a dead battery, you were late to work, and immediately got yanked into a meeting during which you learn that the firm's biggest client just decided to jump ship and go with your strongest competitor. The boss, whether unfairly or not, decides that this is all your fault and proceeds to rail on you for the next half hour in front of your colleagues, all of whom are giving you covert smug looks that say "well, nice knowing you, pal, can I have your office?"
You wife calls during lunch to inform you that three of your offspring have the flu and have been throwing up all morning, which causes you to instantly lose your appetite. As much as she would love to send you to a hotel to avoid the plague, she desperately needs your help. Oh, and could you stop at the store and pick up something easy she can shove in the nuke-box because she is busy cleaning up a dozen piles of vomit on the white rug, and oh yeah, you need another bottle of carpet cleaner. Or two or three.
The cashier is extremely slow, and surly, glaring at you as if blaming you for every minute of their miserable minimum wage existence. You grab your purchases and swiftly head for the exit, vowing to wreak vengeance on the next person who so much as breathes at you wrong.
You get outside and down the row of cars just in time to see some jerk hit your car with their grocery cart. Unbelievable. You stride over, blood boiling, preparing your best "what idiot school dared to spawn such a stupid, inconsiderate punk as you... and by the way, you're going to pay for that."
Switch back to the mother with the cart.
You turn around, and see a guy coming toward you with thunder in his face, fists clenched, keys in hand. The owner of the car. From the look on his face, he is utterly furious, and about to explode on you. Fear rises in your throat, choking you. At the same time, your hackles are instantly raised, like a stray cat facing a pack of rabid dogs. He looks ready to give you one heck of a battle, and you are ready to return fire.
Now stop. Step back from either perspective, and look at the situation.
Both of these people have had a very bad day full of disrespect from their fellow human beings. Frankly, they haven't really deserved any of it, and they feel it. They feel beaten, exhausted, and ready to snap. Neither one did anything deliberately to hurt the other, and yet they are both angry at either other.
Throw in just a dash of respect. Tone down the anger, try to look at things objectively. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth the battle, the anger, the hurt that you might cause?
Hit the play button. The car owner stops, taking another look at the cart holder. She looks tired, nearly in tears, and already pulled the cart quickly away from the car. She is clearly very aware of what happened, and feels terrible about it. Is yelling at her going to improve the situation? Is it going to make your miserable day any better? Probably not. You know yourself well enough to know that seething over the incident for the next three hours is not going to help anything. You walk over without saying a word, focusing on your breathing to calm down, and examine your car. No damage. Thank goodness.
Switch to the owner of the cart. He didn't yell. You let out the breath you've been holding, unclench your hands, and explain in a shaky voice that the wind blew your cart out of your control, and it hit the car, and you are so very, very sorry...
Back to the car owner. You can hear it now. The pain and stress in her voice. This is a fellow human being who has likely had just as bad a day as you, her kids are now whining and fighting in her car, upset at the delay in their routine, and she really doesn't deserve to be yelled at yet again.
"It's okay," you finally manage. "There's no damage. You might want to brace your cart on your bumper next time, that usually works for me. Hope you have a better day."
She blinks, totally not expecting that response, then manages a weak smile. You push the anger away, letting it drain into the cracked asphalt, and for an extra measure of forgiveness, you take her empty cart and put it into a cart return rack for her. She calls a tearful thank you, climbs into her minivan, and drives away.
You put your bags in your car, climb in, and start for home.
Let's look at how both parties are feeling right now. The owner of the car, instead of being angry at the situation for the next few hours, which isn't healthy, has decided to let it go, and show some kindness and respect. He still has a long evening to face, but at least he can face it without yet another incident digging into his skin like a poisonous thorn. He feels good that he chose respect, and made another person's day just a little better.
Look at the cart holder. She is still exhausted, the kids are still whining, and there's that nagging ticking sound under the hood again... but she avoided a fight. The car owner showed her kindness, and a feeling of gratitude and relief lightens her burden just a little. Thankfully, there are still good people in the world.
Basic respect. It really isn't as hard as it seems. When you feel like disrespecting someone, through anger, fear, embarrassment, or sheer exasperation, stop for a second. Step back. Is it going to help the situation? Probably not. Do they really deserve it? Not likely. Is it going to ruin your day? Oh yeah.
Turn it around, and look at it from the other person's point of view. Most of the time, they don't mean to hurt you. There are very few people that go around all day deliberately being jerks. When someone deliberately tries to hurt you, the best response is none at all. Ignore them. They thrive on your angry response, on knowing they have power to hurt you. Take back the power in the situation, and don't let them manipulate you. Respect that they are humans, and possibly have some kind of mental issue going on that makes them this way.
For everyone else, take a look at the possible outcomes. Being angry and disrespectful isn't going to help either one of you. "But I want to teach them a lesson!" you say to yourself. Honestly, they probably already know. In the heat of the moment, in the midst of their daily frustration and the plague of details that hovers around them, maybe they just forgot. It could even be something that is totally out of their control. There is saying that we are our own worst critics, and it is very true. You don't really need to yell at someone that is already beating themselves up.
And is it going to help you to yell? No. Medical studies have proven that the effects of anger can be very dangerous. Even fatal. Prolonged anger can cause problems all over your cardiovascular system. It makes you tired, it makes you sick, it doesn't really help anything. Even that small, momentary feeling of satisfaction at having scored a point wears off quickly.
Try respect, instead. Take a step back, and if you can't speak kindly, or at least tolerantly, then don't say anything. Don't make the situation worse than it already is. You never know what someone has gone through, you don't know what makes them the way they are.
Or maybe you do. Maybe this person is a member of your family, or your circle of friends. Maybe they have done something utterly boneheaded, and needs correction.
Do you really have to be disrespectful about it?
No. Of all people in our lives, our family and friends, those we love, deserve our respect. Why is it that we are always more respectful of strangers than those we know? "They should know better!" You say.
Yes, perhaps they should. But they...are...human! They are not perfect! And neither are you.
Apply the same principle to your children, spouse, siblings, and friends. Take a step back. Look at the situation. Knowing them as you do, you can probably figure out fairly quickly why they behaved badly. Why they made a mistake. With kids, you sometimes have to get tough. But you don't have to be disrespectful about it. Correct their actions. Then show them that you still love them. They aren't bad people. They just made a bad choice. You will get fair better results from love than from any kind of brute force. Children learn from our examples, and if we choose disrespect, what do you think they are going to learn?
At our core, we genuinely want to be liked. We want to be loved. And we crave respect, we crave the connection that can come only from love and kindness. There is far too little of it in today's world.
"So what good is it going to do?" you ask in despair. "If everyone else out there is being a jerk, what good will it do to be nice?"
You may not know for sure. You may never know what a smile, a kind word, an act of forgiveness may do for those you interact with. Your reaction could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or it could be the very last lifeline they have, the thing that convinces them that maybe, just maybe, life isn't so bad. There are still good people in this world, people that make it a bit better place.
Wouldn't you rather be one of them?
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